Shameless Plug for Some Friends of MATW

Wanted to take a quick second to plug a local business who has been a friend of MATW for a couple of years now.

Underground Printing has been in business for several years now and has printed apparel for Maize Rage, Dance Marathon, and many others in the past few years. This year they got their Michigan Licensing and is now printing official Michigan merchandise. Be sure to check out their website below. Lots of cool new designs and products you won't find at other stores. All orders of $50 or more get free shipping! They also recently opened up their new store right next to Good Time Charleys on South University.

Best of all this company is owned and operated by Michigan Alums and is an Ann Arbor based business -- it never hurts to support your own.

They also specialize in Custom Printing and run numerous specials throughout the year. Contact Seth at seth@undergroundshirts.com about any of your custom needs.

MATW strongly recommends UGP. They'll take great care of you.

Link: http://su.undergroundshirts.com/

Profiles in Heroism: an Inanimate Carbon Rod

Note: obviously a parody of the coaching stuff Mgoblog did when we looked around a couple years ago.

An inanimate carbon rod has had a pretty good run. For one, it saved the day for Homer when they needed to keep the space shuttle's door shut during reentry. And for another, it was never outcoached by Ron Zook twice and never lost to Toledo.

It also would probably be well-liked by the old-school Michigan Men, because of it's demeanor.

Xs and Os Proficiency: We can use it to mash 'X' on the Super Nintento controller to call the dive over the O-Line, thereby ensuring we can get a f**king touchdown on 1st and goal from the one.

Recruiting: Being on the cover of Time Magazine gets you a lot. And it's not like it's hard to recruit a guy like Ricardo Miller, who freaking moved to Ann Arbor because he simply loved the Wolverines. Plus, coordinators and position coaches do this stuff anyway.

Side note: Ricardo, you're the man.

Potential Catches: it isn't very charismatic, so the media won't like it. But what does that change? If anything, maybe a little Lloydface to the Freep would be nice.

Also, it doesn't have a red wristband to call plays from the sideline, like being in the shotgun on first and goal from the two (Penn State game in which we didn't score a touchdown there). So this is a draw.

Relative Compensation: 10 bucks? Less?

Would He Take The Job? If not, then we can just make another one out of a bike.

Overall Attractiveness: High. There is no reason to believe that the rod would field a team that is worse than 105th in turnover margin. It also wouldn't get annihilated by a Purdue team starting a running back at QB, or a Notre Dame team that starts a true-Sophomore Jimmy Clausen (seriously?).

And "Hold the Rope" can be "Hold the Rod," which would excite a lot of people.

I like this idea. I think also that the rod would go back to Michigan Replay, not this Thursday shit we're getting now.

Profiles in Heroism: Brian Kelly

Note: obviously a parody of the stuff Mgoblog did in the first coaching search.

Brian Kelly has been Cinncinati's coach for three seasons, installing his spread offense in, oh, one game (when he took over for Mark Dantonio for the 2006 International Bowl). Since then, he lead the Bearcats to their first 10-win season in 59 years and currently has them unbeaten and on track for a possible national title game. Meanwhile, Rich Rodriguez has been outcoached by Ron Zook. Twice.

While at Grand Vally State University, he won two national titles to close out his tenure. He was then the head coach at Central Michigan, leading them to their first winning season in seven years and then a MAC championship. He is good. And he is available.

Also, Rich Rodriguez has won three times in the Big Ten in nearly two seasons.

Xs and Os Proficiency: Like I said, it took him one f**king game to install his offense from Dantonio's dinosaur run-run-pass-punt offense. He uses whatever f**king quarterback he wants (Tony Pike???) and absolutely manhandles teams. He has won at every level, and his players don't fumble punts every game.

Also, his defense doesn't use some cutesy spread-defense 3-3-5 deathbackers AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH I'M VOMITTING!! He also doesn't play walkons, because he wasn't one himself, unlike RichRod. He would play a scholarship player who is comparable to the walkon, because the ceiling for J.B. Fitzgerald is higher than that of Kevin Leach AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH I'M VOMITTING!!

Recruiting: Blah blah blah we're Michigan. We'll get someone. Also, Brian Kelly might possibly be a cocky asshole. This usually nets recruits (see: every coach in the SEC). Also also, look at our class this year. Weeeeeeeeeee!

Potential Catches: Well, he won't get outcoached by Zook, so he already has a leg up. Maybe he wouldn't come? Or he'd be a jerk to some of the blue hairs? Would anyone care?

Relative Compensation: Sell the UofM Hospital System and pay him one billion dollars.

Would He Take The Job? It's either us or Colorado if we act now.

Overall Attractiveness: Northwestern can hang with a Penn State team that has beaten the crap out of us twice in a row. Illinois has manhandled us twice in a row. We escaped against Indiana and Notre Dame, and have no hope against Ohio State. Oh, and a tool at Michigan State has outcoached RichRod twice in a row. Twice! Dantonio! We're on pace to MAYBE eke out a bowl game appearance in Detroit in which we will be annihilated by Central Michigan, who, ironically, is using the players Kelly first recruited.

So, yeah, he is an attractive option.

Celebrating in Iowa

Since I don't care to discuss the abomination that occured yesterday versus Penn State (formerly property of Michigan, but sold during Lloyd Carr's coaching career estate sale), here's a weird article about some Iowa fans celebrating their last-second win over Sparty.

Man Called Zombie While Ordering Food, Punched Twice

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Iowa City police are investigating an early morning assault in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice. Police said the assault occurred at 1:17 a.m. Sunday at an Iowa City restaurant south of the University of Iowa campus.

A man was ordering food when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye. When the victim tried to call police on his cell phone, the man punched him again, breaking his nose.

The man then ran out a back door.

The victim was taken by ambulance to a hospital.

WE OWN! PENN STATE! (Take 5)

Death, Taxes, and Michigan over Penn State. This is the fifth revision of an article we wrote in the infancy of the site, but we’ve again decided to keep the arrogance alive and pile on the inferiority-driven Nittany Lion faithful who love to frequent our blog, and provide some revised, concrete proof of the dominance Michigan has over Penn State.

First, the most telling number is 13. As in it has been 13 years since Penn State won a game in Ann Arbor. To put that into perspective, Penn State superback Evan Royster was nine the last time Michigan dropped a game to Penn State in the Big House, and Royster has seen Penn State win exactly once since then. So, since that last PSU win at Michigan, the teams have played 10 times (sadly, the Big Ten rotated the annual PSU win off of Michigan's schedule in 2003 and 2004, replacing them with more challenging games against teams like Northwestern and Indiana). Obviously Michigan has won 9 out of 10, but the amazing thing is the dominance we've displayed in doing so.

The cumulative score over those games has been Michigan 247, PSU 160. We've outscored the hapless pussies by 87 points, and the average margin of victory has been 24.7-16. Keep in mind, that includes an asterisk-worthy 46-17 pasting that PSU layed on Michigan in the dark days of the “Threet-and-Out” and “Sheri-done” seasonthatneverhappened! Excluding this statistical outlier, Michigan is beating Penn State by a greater margin than the Nits are even scoring. Not to mention we've twice humiliated Penn State through shutouts (1998 27-0 in Ann Arbor, and 20-0 in 2001 in the Big House East.) Plus, Judgment Day was essentially a shutout, as our players were relaxing with a cool 34-0 lead when Curtis Enis put the Nits on the board in 1997. This has been complete and utter domination. Hell, even NORTHWESTERN has put up a better fight against us.

So, perhaps PSU is a good program who just struggles against 1 opponent. It happens, right? (Bobby Bowden v. Miami, etc.) Well, sadly, that is not the case here. While we all know about Michigan's hardware since that last PSU defeat- 5 Big Ten titles, a National Title, 4 Rose Bowls, an Orange Bowl, 11 straight bowl games (compiling an NCAA record for consecutive bowls), PSU has managed an wholly unimpressive 2 shared Big Ten titles (2005, 2008), 8 bowls (2 BCS games), and is on a good-for-them 4 year bowl streak.

Despite theseasonthatneverhappened, Michigan also has the nation's 10th best record since that last PSU win in Ann Arbor, compiling a 108-41 record, winning at a 72.48% clip, while the Nits have huffed and puffed their way to a tie for the 23rd best record in the nation at 94-53, good for a 63.94% winning percentage. In conference, things get worse for our friends in Not-so Happy Valley. Michigan (despite the seasonthatneverhappened) leads the way, with an astounding 73-23 record and an 81.2% Big Ten winning percentage. The Nits are holding off Purdue to stay in the top half of the conference with a 55-41 record, and a decidedly average 68.8% winning percentage.

So we've got an insane amount of dominance, and we haven't even (nor will we, lest the suicide rate at University Park increase exponentially) mentioned All-Americans, All-Big Ten players, and NFL draft picks.

But, we will laugh at the most embarrassing thing for our Penn State friends. We all know Michigan had the longest current streak without having a losing season until the seasonthatneverhappened (it had been since 1967! 40 years!) Penn State however, has had losing seasons 4 out of the last 9 years. Not just losing seasons, terrible losing seasons. 5-7, 5-6, 3-9 (pennstate’sseasonthatneverhappened?) and 4-7. Damn, that is just shitty.

So, there you have it. Starting with Judgment Day and most recently with Chad Henne, Mike Hart, and the Michigan D knocking out both the hopes and dreams of Penn State fans and their quarterbacks, Michigan has established ownership over Penn State in every conceivable way. It really makes me feel good to know that if need be, and the U is running short on cash (not likely to happen, since Michigan is the 2nd most profitable athletic department in the nation) they can always put Penn State's football team up on eBay- Because it is property of the University of Michigan. Enjoy the statistical outlier that was 2008, Penn State fans. Enjoy it while you’ve still got it.

Penn State Haikus

Please feel free to contribute.

Ten of Eleven
Penn State is Michigan's Bitch
Judgment Day Part Two

Whine, cry, whine, cry, whine
Penn State fans blaming the refs
Lost to M again

PSU football
Better stop the game, or else
JoePa shits his pants

PSU will win
We're gonna beat Michigan!
Touchdown, Manningham.

Joining the Big Ten
PSU has to play M
Its like prison rape

Remember that game
When JoePa shit in his pants?
It was tremendous

Nittany Lions
Property of Michigan
Zombie Nation sucks

Penn State commentors
Last year was their Super Bowl
Because they beat us

Appalachian State
Does what PSU cannot
Win at Michigan

Nineteen Ninety-Six
Penn State's last win in Big House
Yes, WE OWN! PENN STATE!

Spread the Word: Deadspin is Terrible

Brian over at mgoblog makes a post that had been ruminating in the nether regions of my mind for a while now, basically eviscerating Deadspin for being no more than a cheap tabloid. I've never had the motivation to write such a post seeing as blogging is neither my primary source of income nor my primary cause célèbre.

But a post like this has been a long time in the making - by someone, somewhere - and for whatever MATW can do to spread it around teh internets, here you go.

AJ Daulerio is an Asshole

Ohio is for Pedophiles AND Necrophiliacs

It's a busy day in Oohi-bashing here at MATW, and this latest post gives you a two-for-one on crazy Oohians.

The first story is about a pediatrician who molested double digit patients. Yup. You read that right. Funny thing is, his brother (also a pediatrician) is being charged with the EXACT SAME THING. Oh, and drugs were involved with one of them.

Our second story of the day is about a mortician in Oohi who well...yeah. He had sex with corpses. This story broke last March, but the Free Press is just now getting around to it, which shows off their awesome investigative prowess we Michigan fans have grown to admire. Oh, and did I mention that the Free Press decided it'd be a good idea to PRINT THE FREAKING NAMES OF THE VICTIMS??!?!?!? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL??

The Detroit Free Press needs to die. In a fire.

Oh, and one last thing - both of these stories are based in the same crappy spot, Hamilton, Ohio.
Hamilton County: come for the baby touching, stay for the corpse rubbin!

Git-r-done!

From the Greatest Website Ever

700 WLW is pretty much our favorite radio station ever now. These things are great.

Michigan State Mugshots

Enjoy this beautiful Michigan Tuesday from us at Michigan Against the World! These would be better as a slideshow set to "Spanish Flea." More to come, maybe.

Not pictured: Glenn Winston

It's That Time

Boy Fights: a Michigan - MSU preview

And so here we are again. Michigan prepares to travel an hour to their kid brother's house just outside of the state's capitol. Big brother is riding high and ranked in the AP, and little Sparty is reeling after a distasterous start to the season and there are grumblings about their coach. It's been a while.

How long has it been? Two years? Really?

Since Michigan State hired a curmudgeon from Cincinnati who worked wonders en route to a 18-17 record (at a now top-10 school), many insane proclamations have come out of his mouth, and not(!) ALL of them have been racist, like when he called Mike Hart a little "brother." Here's what Dantonio said after MSU beat Michigan (*without cheating) for the first time since 1999:

"I'll go on record and say this one counts as more than one."
"The culture in the state of Michigan is changing."

Here's what's happened since he made those proclamations:
-Michigan State has gone 2-6 vs. FCS opponents; Michigan 5-3
-Michigan nabbed the number one recruit in the state (Will Campbell) and currently the number one 2010 commit (Devin Gardner) is pledged to Michigan
-MSU hasn't beaten a ranked team, Michigan has
-MSU reinstated a convicted felon to their team after he assaulted a MSU hockey player
-Michigan has a record-high team GPA
-The Spartans lost to a MAC team
-Mike Valenti has gone on a radio rant
-MSU players claim they aren't respected
-Dantonio became the first MSU coach to lose in South Bend in 16 years
-He may or may not have reset a countdown clock

So why do we care? Every year we go through this. Every year the Spartans muster up venom, and they almost always lose. When they do, they write stupid things like scUM on teh internets. When they win, they print t-shirts and make billboards with inane sayings. In short, they act EXACTLY like a little brother.

Michigan State doesn't know how to be a top program, and never will as long as they have a stubborn misanthrope like Dantonio in charge. Michigan is evolving and has the pieces in place to make a run for the next several years. State can't get past a game in the middle of the schedule.

A quick note on the actual game: MSU's secondary - Dantonio's supposed forte - has been awful. Conversely, Michigan's passing and running game have been very good thus far. Michigan, if Tate is healthy and Mooseman can snap the damn ball, will score points. Michigan State's lone strength is it's receiving corps, who might be able to exploit one of our corners if their QB can manage not to throw the ball into the stands when their man is wide open. I expect a similar game to the Michigan-Indiana game of last week save for one exception: the Michigan defense will be just a little bit improved, as what happens to young defenses. Expect a shootout. I hope we win, or else the Sparties will have to work an extra shift at the Kroger deli counter to pay for a billboard (hopefully this time they spring for a grammar-checker).

99 problems, but QB ain't one

If you're havin' QB problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but QB ain't one

I got the spread patrol and the shred patrol
Rosenberg wanna make sure my casket's closed
Big Ten, they say his offense won't flow
I'm from the sticks stupid, what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in ya cupboard doors
You'd be celebrating the minute you clocked 4-star bros
I'm like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole
If you don't like my offense you can press fast forward
I got beef with Dantonio if i don't shake hands, though
They think Greg Jones hits? i don't give a shit SO
Detroit rags try and use my bad ass
So advertisers can give 'em more cash for ads, fuckers
I don't know what you take me as,
Or understand the schematics that Coach Rod has
I'm from rags to riches niggas I ain't dumb
I got 99 problems but QB ain't one
Hit me

99 problems but the QB ain't one
If you're havin' QB problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but QB ain't one
Hit me

The year's '04 and my offense is raw
In my rear view mirror is the mother fuckin' law
I got two choices y'all get a crunk cubie or (hmmm)
Bounce to another school and put the pedal to the floor
Now I ain't tryin' to see no headlines today
Even though i got dollars for a buyout in case
So I...go down to Alabama, yo
I said Pat White, do you know what I'm crutin' you for?
"Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hats real low?"
"Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don't know"
"Am I gettin' a 'ship or should I guess some mo'?"
Well you'll be puttin up fifty-five, maybe fifty-fo'
Spread and shred and chuck the ball real far
Win a few bowl games and jet to Ann Arbor
I had to hit up the Wolverines becuase Bill Martin's paper's legit:
"Well, do you mind calling up Terrelle Pryor a little bit?"
Well his glove compartment is stocked with Buckeyes and crack
And I know whats rights and I'm gon' need another cubies for that
"Aren't you sharp as a tack, you some type of lawyer or something'?"
"Or somebody important or somethin'?"
Nah, I ain't pass the bar but i know a little bit
Enough that I can rock/paper/candle some shit
"We'll see how smart you are when 2009 come"
I got 99 problems but QB ain't one
Hit me

99 Problems but QB ain't one
if you havin QB problems
i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but QB ain't one hit me

Now once upon a time back at Tulane, yo
My teams had stars like 2 and 3, not 5 or fo
But now I get cubies like cubies get pussy
But Dantonio has no God Damn sense, try and push me
I tried to ignore him and talk to the Lord
Pray for him, cause some fools just love to perform
You know the type loud as a motor bike
But can't find a decent cubie for game night
The only thing that's gonna happen is I'ma get to spreadin'
He and his boys gon be yappin to the Big Ten
And then the ball snapped to Forcier again
Shoelace cuts through the Spartans with their riff raff again
Greg Jones on the floor scratchin again
ESPN with they cameras snappin them
West Virginia tried to give the nigga shaft again
Four-mil for the buyout cause I'm tha shit again
All because this fool is clockin' 'ships again
Tryin to 'croot Garnder to spread and shread with them
But ain't nothin sweet 'bout Spartan QB's (which one?)
I got 99 problems but QB ain't one.
Hit me

99 Problems but QB ain't one
if you havin QB problems
i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but QB

You're crazy for this one, Sailboat Willie
It's your boy

The New Big House: It's a Rockin'

Michigan played Indiana on Saturday. Generally, on a fan enthusiasm scale of 1-10, you’re looking at about a -7 with the Hoosiers in town. Yet, a remarkable thing happened…people…started…cheering. Loudly. Getting into the game. It was an interesting phenomenon for sure and one that has become the norm in this 2009 season of unfathomable fun. One of the big reasons I attribute to this newfound lack of fan apathy is the piping in of the music at Michigan Stadium. Love it or hate it, it gets the desired reaction. People get up and make noise. Sure, it could use some tweaking. 110,000 people are well aware of what Kid Rock’s name is, and despite Saturday’s dark skies, only the speakers were “Thunderstruck.” But, it’s only week 4 of this new era of Michigan football. They will certainly get the right balance figured out, perhaps add more than 4 songs to the playlist, and get the timing down right. But, lets be honest, anything is better than half-assed “GO”….”BLUE!” chants that die down as everyone reaches for their keys and the band introducing a stunningly silent Alaskan jazz version of “The Victors” prior to a crucial third down.

Certainly, some old blues and teh internets are critical of this “slap in the face” to our tradition, but really, our tradition of late has been CapitalOne Bowl worthy. Tomorrow marks the final day of September, and only the third time since 1997 that we can say on that day that Michigan is undefeated. Some things have to change. If it means that Seven Nation Army plays at 130% of the speaker system’s capability and for some reason 110,000 people get up and scream, so be it. Hopefully the next steps include a night game. We’re finally starting to get a home field advantage. Perhaps it’s something we should embrace and celebrate.

Sparty On!

Repost.
Click to enlarge.

Another Treat From the Road...

Dantonio, I got a feeling your whole family's going down. But for now, I gotta practice.

Message for Boubacar

Don't give up. Sure Clausen, Floyd, and Tate basically traded you for a pack of smokes and prison wine, but don't give up.

Take a message from my boy Junior.

Charlie Weis is a Whiner Who Always Loses.

News that the Big Ten has suspended Jonas Mouton has reached the major outlets. It is a chickenshit call by the Big Ten to appeal to a coach whose team isn't in the league because he whined about the officiating (note to Notre Dame: holding is a penalty).

There have been countless examples of players not being suspended by the league for worse infractions - like an Ohio State player choking a Wisconsin player, a Wisconsin player trying to take out Steve Breaston's knees, and a MSU player slapping Charlie Weis:

Oh wait, he lied about being slapped. He's just a whiner who has learned the best way to hold his hands on his hips and look exacerbated. It's never his fault that the team loses. The Michigan players were thugs and the refs were crooked.

It wasn't his fault his gastric bypass failed. It was the doctors at the world's best hospital (Mass General) who were clearly negligent even though it's a risky surgery and the risks were explained to him. Eat a salad and stop making fake controversies out of fake punches.

Nope, he wasn't punched, he lost his lawsuit because it was unfounded, and Notre Dame lost because Michigan is better. Shut up, Chuck. Take responsibility for your own actions and stop making...er...excuses.


Bonus: here's a great quote from the article about him losing the lawsuit:

Weis told the jury of a grueling recovery and worries that he might have to give up his career as a football coach and his life as an active husband. To this day, Weis said, he waddles, he has limited use of his feet, and his hips ache.

Mr. Weis, I'm a doctor. And your symptoms are not from a botched surgery...

Notre Dame Deserves Better

This entry is not about Michigan, it is about our progeny Notre Dame. Michigan has long been intertwined with the Irish since we taught them how to play football in 1887. With the power that is evoked by the name Notre Dame, the lucrative media contracts, and tradition that is only second to one it would be natural to assume that Notre Dame is cemented in the pantheon of powers. However, in the past decade we have seen Notre Dame recede into the echos that they have long been trying to wake up.

Every year we see boundless hope and optimism stemming from South Bend only to be crushed quicker than Lou Holtz's psyche by Mark May. We see the traditional coaching cycle where a highly touted coach (Bob Davie, Tyrone Willingham, Charlie Weis) would come to campus, promise to return ND to greatness, write a book promising to return the team to greatness, and then fail miserably while blaming the previous coach. In all likelihood this cycle will continue next year when Notre Dame's 4th choice replacement coach (after Gruden, Kelly, and papa smurf) saunters into the house that Rockne built and proclaims that Notre Dame will once again return to glory after a 20 year absence.

Let's face it, Notre Dame was last a major power to be reckoned with in the 80's. This was a time that when a recruit said that they were going to Notre Dame they knew that they were going to be able to compete for a national title. not one recruit was alive the last time that Notre Dame last one a national title. This is the first time that this has happened since 1924. Like other great icons of the 80's (Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, Kirk Cameron's sanity) maybe it is time that Notre Dame needs to hang up the shingle and embrace the echos that are its past, present, and future. Perhaps it is time that Notre Dame follow the footsteps of other great programs like THE University of Chicago, Yale, Harvard, and Princeton and come to terms that they simply are not able to compete.

In order to protect the memory of Notre Dame football perhaps it is time to do the humane thing- pull the plug.























Even Jesus surrenders.

LOOOONG GONE!

An incredible weekend. Michigan beats Notre Dame in a thriller that reminded me of the 1991 game. fOSU loses to Trojan Man. But I really can’t talk about that now. You see, although this is a Michigan and Patriots blog, we enjoy other sports too. And although it is the beginning of the football season, I would like to focus on baseball for just a moment. Not baseball in general, but one particular baseball legend.

Ernie Harwell.

If you don’t know, famed Detroit Tigers broadcaster Ernie Harwell recently announced that he has inoperable cancer. He is 91 years young. Tonight, he plans on addressing the Tigers before the game, and addressing the crowd during the game. My guess is that he plans to say goodbye. He was the voice of the Tigers for 42 years, 1960 to 2002. I would venture to guess that most people reading this have parents born around 1960. So for some of you yungins, you might think “what’s the big deal?” I can’t tell you how this is a big deal for other people. I can only tell you how big a deal this is for me.

Do you remember how you felt when Bo died? I remember that I was at work, and it was right before The Game of the Century, 2006. Although I had only met him once or twice, I always felt like he was another grandfather to me. Bo was as constant as the northern star - you knew he would always be there. No matter what happened to or around you, you knew that Bo was there looking after Michigan. I was upset when he died, more than I thought I’d be. I actually started to cry at work. It was only a few weeks later I realized why this was so upsetting. Of course there was the Michigan connection, but that wasn’t the real reason. It made me feel old. Here was a part of my childhood that passed away, and I’d never get it back. This is really why Ernie’s news and goodbyes are so depressing. I feel very much the same way about him.

Ernie was a very different part of my childhood. If Bo was fall and the beginning of winter, then Ernie was spring and summer. The first time you’d hear that voice for the year, it meant that spring was coming. Soon you’d be out of school. Soon you’d be playing wiffle ball in the backyard. For me it also meant that Dad would be taking us to games. Dad loves Ernie so much that he was that guy in the early 80s with the cop mustache and bicycle shorts too tight who sat behind you with the radio on JR at Tiger Stadium. And yes, it was ALWAYS too loud. These games were most special for me because Dad spent time with me and my brothers. Dad taught us to keep score and why you had to pay attention. Dad taught us to be careful around the drunks, but to feel free to talk to a complete stranger during the game. So if Dad was the teacher, then Ernie was the principal. That goes to show you that school doors don’t end your education.

In Detroit, we had more than our fair share of Tornado Warnings. This never scared me because the family would go inside, grab the flashlights and a small radio, and head downstairs. I know for a fact that each time it looked nasty outside that Dad looked for the Tigers schedule. As long as there was a road game, we’d listen to Ernie in the basement. You couldn’t be scared about a storm because Ernie could just tell his stories and you were there – wherever there was. He could be talking about Oakland or Milwaukee - places I’d never been. I would always imagine the game – how the ballpark looked, how the advertisements would be different, how people would be wearing their team’s gear. And because Ernie was so calm, you were calm.

What makes Ernie so great (I can’t say made yet) is that he was what I consider a “true announcer”. In my mind, there are several things that make an announcer “true”. First, the announcer should not be a homer. I appreciate that sports announcers have their opinions. But during the game is not the place to express them. Give me the facts – I can come to my own conclusion. Second, he should been a consummate storyteller during breaks in the action. Third, he should include the sounds of the action – the ball striking the bat, the screams of the crowd, the concession people doing their scream-sells. Finally, he should know how to keep to good balance of these sounds and know when to use them.

I will admit that no current announcer fits this bill. Ernie Harwell fits them all.

So one day, and I hope it is not soon, Ernie will be, as he’s said, LOOOONG GONE! That day, like today, will be a sad day for me. Another part of my childhood will pass with the passing of a legend.